Going to another widow’s wedding

I hesitated about writing this. I wasn’t sure how people would react to it. But the truth is grief is tricky. It is sneaky. Feelings pop up when you least expect it. And it can lead to more confusing and guilty feelings.

I was introduced to a friend, Caleh, a few years ago on Facebook when our husbands were struggling with health issues. We were support for each other during some tough times. We both had daughters the same age and Caleh had a younger daughter with the same name as my daughter. We had so much in common and we got along great.

We had no idea our husbands would pass only a few weeks of each other. Yet another thing in common.

We’ve walked the same grief timeline. We’ve been there for each other through some tough milestones. We’ve talked about honest feelings that nobody would understand. 

In the summer of 2021, Hannah and I flew to visit and meet them for the first time. They lived in California and we lived in Wisconsin. We were all nervous about meeting for the first time as anyone would be. But the connection was instant. It was like we had known each other all our lives. 

A bond no one could break.

It was shortly after we met them, that Caleh met someone and started dating. In the fall of 2021 they got engaged and planned for a wedding in early 2022. I was honestly so happy for her and the girls! I had never met her fiancee but I saw how happy Caleh and the girls were and I was ecstatic for them. I was honored when we were invited to the wedding and there was no way we were going to miss it.

I wasn’t prepared for the feelings both Hannah and I felt as we were getting closer to the wedding, though.

It’s hard to explain how you can be so incredibly happy for someone and yet at the same time feel sadness. I know that sounds selfish. Why couldn’t I just be happy? I can tell you I was happy so the fact that I felt any sadness was hard for me to handle. What was wrong with me? Why couldn’t I just forget me for a bit? But I couldn’t help but wonder if I would ever get my “chapter two”. I didn’t feel ready for it though which made me wonder—is something wrong with me that I’m not in the same place? I myself couldn’t figure out why I couldn’t just be happy. But this shows just how grief is. It is confusing. It is a mixture of emotions. You can be happy one minute and crying the next. 

As the day got closer, Hannah started showing some anxiety. She told me she didn’t want to go. I knew she really did want to go. She was just nervous about going. She couldn’t explain why she was nervous and I understood that. I couldn’t explain why I was so happy and sad. I didn’t get it so I couldn’t expect Hannah to understand. Maybe seeing Caleh getting married would remind her of her dad dying. Maybe it would show her what could happen in the future with us and she wasn’t ready for it. Maybe she felt like since the girls now would have a stepdad, they wouldn’t understand her grief. She has such a bond with the girls and maybe she was afraid the bond would suddenly disappear now that things were different. I don’t know. I don’t even think Hannah knew. But she was nervous. And I told her it was okay to feel those conflicting emotions. It was normal. 

We got to California and we were so happy to see everyone. I loved seeing Hannah’s huge smile when she saw the girls—her friends who understood her better than anyone. 

Then came the time for the wedding.

Caleh had her daughters walk her down the aisle. It was beautiful. It also was too much for Hannah to see.

The minute she saw them, she started crying. “Mom, I want to go home”

My poor baby girl.

I encouraged her to breathe and hold in the tears. I wanted to be able to stay and see the ceremony. But it was obvious she wasn’t going to be able to. We had to leave. We were sitting in the front so there wasn’t going to be a sneaky way out. Everyone saw us leave—an innocent little girl who couldn’t help but cry.

I took Hannah into the bathroom as she sobbed. I asked her if she knew what the tears were about. “I don’t know Mom. I wish I knew but I just don’t. I can’t go back. I just can’t do it. I’m so sorry.”

We weren’t able to go back and watch the ceremony. Every time we tried, she would get emotional again. 

After the ceremony she was able to calm down and we were able to join everyone. We were surrounded by love. The oldest daughter asked if we were okay as she didn’t see us. When I explained it was just a little too hard, she simply said “Oh, I understand”. We knew she did. Just a couple days ago, she herself had had a really hard time.

Grief is hard.

What touched me so much was when Caleh took Hannah aside after the ceremony. She took her hands in hers and told Hannah she knew it was hard for her to be there but it meant a lot to her. She told Hannah it was okay to be sad. She looked Hannah in the eyes and focused on her. For Caleh to take the time out of her special day to comfort Hannah meant so much to both of us. Hannah felt heard. She felt so guilty for being sad. She wanted to be strong and be there for Caleh. But we all knew grief is hard. It’s unpredictable. We all understood each other.

Caleh knew we were happy for all of them. She also knew seeing her getting married brought up a lot of emotions. Confusing, mixed and hard emotions. Not just for us but for a lot of people that day. 

There was so much love, support and understanding that day. More understanding than we have ever seen before. 

At one point during the dance, a song was played that Mark and I had danced to. We didn’t dance very much at all but I remember dancing to one particular song in his car room. I remember dancing with him, smiling, and thinking to myself “you’re gonna remember this moment the rest of your life”. When that song came on, it was too much. I went to the bathroom and cried. Hannah and the girls came looking for me as they wanted me to take a picture of them. When they saw me crying, I explained what the tears were for. Caleh’s daughter said “Oh, Miss Tammy, I get it. We all get it and we understand” and she gave me a big hug.

And I knew they truly understood and got it.

It was an amazing day. It was a happy day. It was also a tough day. It was an emotional day. 

And we all understood each other. 

It’s taken me awhile to realize that you can be so incredibly happy and sad at the same time. And it’s okay. It doesn’t make you a terrible person. I’m not a selfish person. I’m human. 

It makes you real. 

It makes you normal.