Yesterday was Hannah’s birth mom’s birthday. I usually don’t mention it to Hannah but as she is getting older I’ve been sharing more and more about dates like that and talking more about her birth mom.
But as she gets older, there also becomes more questions. I admit sometimes the questions are just plain hard.
Yesterday she asked if we could call her. No, we don’t have her phone number. She wanted to know if we could look her up on Facebook. No, I didn’t think that was a good idea. She wanted to know why. How do I explain that it’s all for her own good? To her, she’s just another person who loves her but to me, for an 11-year-old it could get super complicated and confusing, especially since she has been through so much already. She knows when she turns 18 she is more than welcome to make her own decisions and if she chooses to look for her birth mom then, I will not only support her but I will go to the ends of the Earth to help her.
But the biggest question she asked was “Does my birth mom still remember me? Cause I feel like she doesn’t”
My heart sank. “Of course she still remembers you. She thinks about you every day”.
“But why doesn’t she reach out? I know you don’t have her phone number anymore because it’s been changed but she has ours. I know she said she would contact you when she wanted to be in contact but she hasn’t for a long time. Why doesn’t she reach out? I don’t think she remembers me at all. Is she even still alive?”
How I wish I had the perfect words for her.
I honestly didn’t know what to say to her. I know that giving Hannah to another family to raise was so incredibly hard on her. I know she went through a lot. I didn’t spend much time with her but I know those two days I did, I knew she loved Hannah and still loves her with all her heart. This hasn’t been easy on her at all.
I took a deep breath and looked into my daughter’s eyes and said “Honey, I can’t answer why she hasn’t contacted us. I have no answers. I hope she’s still alive. What I do know is that she loves you with all her heart. She cried so hard when you were born because she was sad she couldn’t raise you. I know she has her reasons and we may never know. But I know without a doubt that she thinks of you every single day”
There are days I’m glad we don’t have contact but there are also days I wish we did. I can’t even try to contact her through our agency because the agency lost their license due to some “shady fees” and no longer exists. I found that out when I was watching Good Morning America when Hannah was 9 months old and it came on as breaking news. Can you imagine? If it would have lost its license just 3 months earlier before Hannah’s adoption was final, it is very possible the adoption never would have been finalized but because it was already finalized, it was determined the adoption would stand.
It was a crazy moment for sure, but a moment God sure had a hand in.
I wish I could give Hannah more comfort in knowing her birth mom hasn’t forgotten her. I wish something more than my words would help ease her heart. Her birth mom did write her a letter that some day I will give to Hannah. I know she has to be mature enough to read and process it so the timing of that letter is to be determined. I’ve never read the letter so I have no idea what it says. Have I been tempted? Ummm, yeah! But she wrote that letter to Hannah and for Hannah only. I’m sure that letter would help ease her mind about how much she is loved and never forgotten.
What I do know is that she loved Hannah so much that she knew she wouldn’t be able to give her a better life and chose to have her be raised by people who could. If that isn’t love, I don’t know what is. I always tell Hannah she is so blessed to have two moms that love her so much whereas most people just have one.
I know one day they will meet and all Hannah’s fears about her remembering her will be erased. Until then, it can be so hard to ease a child’s mind. I just pray I have the right words to help her understand
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