Moving forward

“Are you ever going to date again?”

That seems to be the question I get asked a lot.

Truth is, it seems like with widowhood, you just can’t do it right. If you start dating sooner than people think you should, some people see that has “moving too fast” or “forgetting your spouse”. But, if you don’t date in the time people think is “acceptable”, you’re “not moving on” and “your spouse would want you to be happy”.

I’ve heard it all.

“You need to move on” (as a side note, “moving forward” is better terminology. I think all widows will tell you they will never move on after losing a spouse, but they will move forward)

“Mark would want you to be happy”

“It’s okay to date”

Trust me. I know all that. More than anything, Mark wants me happy. He told me that for years. All he ever wanted was for his girls to be happy.

Right now, I am very happy. I love that I can give to Hannah 100%. I love that I have the freedom that I can travel with her and do things with her. I love that I don’t have to answer to anyone or ask if I can do something.

And can I be real honest?

For over 18 years, I was married to a wonderful, courageous man whom I was so in love with. But, it was over 18 years of so much caregiving, stress, very little sleep, doctors, hospital stays. To me, relationship/marriage is taking care of someone and caregiving. While I know that’s not the case, it’s all I’ve ever known honestly. Mark was my first real relationship. My first year of marriage with Mark was filled with numerous hospital and ER visits and two major surgeries. While I certainly know it wasn’t Mark’s fault, the reality is for me, the concept of marriage was always worrying, exhaustion, always taking care of someone, going to the doctor, spending nights at the hospital, etc.

Right now, I can give 100% to Hannah and not worry about having to take care of someone else. Also, I know one day she won’t want to spend all this time with me and I want to take advantage of this time that she actually still likes me and wants to be around me. I love that I can give so much to just her and I know Mark is thrilled with that too.

Will I date again? I don’t know. God knows my future. I know if it’s meant to be it will happen in the right time. I just keep my heart open and I know God will guide me to whatever is in store for me. What I do know is that it will be good and I’m excited for whatever my future holds.

For now, I’m going to take every opportunity I can for myself and my daughter. I’m truly happy and content.

God is good all the time!