I’ll never forget the moment when we were in Hawaii and I got the call that Mark had less than 24 hours to live. We were going to be in Hawaii for 4 more days. Of course we know Mark hung in there until I made it home and I was there with him when he passed. Truly his last gift to me and I feel blessed. But at the time, I felt in my heart that my husband would pass while I was thousands of miles away. I was devastated beyond words.
I’ll never forget what my pastor Chris said to me: “Tammy, this may come as a shock and surprise to you but not to God. He isn’t surprised by any of this. He knew the day Mark was born the day Mark would die. He’s got this”.
Those words have stuck with me and comforted me through so much. Through friends and family sudden deaths. Those questions, those ”what ifs” we always think about.
I get comments sometimes about how it would have been better if Mark had passed the week after we got home. Why when we were gone? I admit it was hard being away during his dying days. I wish I would have been there. I’m still trying to make Hawaii be a “nice” place for me. When I think of Hawaii, I have nightmares. Same with Hannah. Probably something we will always struggle with.
But what I don’t know is what God protected us from. What if we would have been home when Mark passed? Nothing we could have done would have changed anything. Mark was going to die on September 23, 2019. It could have been a fall down the stairs. An accident. Hannah could have witnessed it. We could be dealing with so many other things related to his death. We don’t know
What I do know is the last time Hannah saw Mark was him waving so hard, smiling so big and yelling to her “Have a fun time sweetie! I’ll see you soon!” You can’t put a price on that.
While I do wish I could have been there more for him those last days, I trust God’s plans. He protected us from something. There is so much comfort in knowing Hannah’s last memory of him is so positive. We can also stay in our home as a comforting place as he didn’t die at home. So many friends and family have had to leave their home because it was too painful. I’m blessed we can stay.
Death will never be a perfect situation. There will always be the “what if’s”. But we can take comfort that the day is already planned out. God’s got this
God is good. All the time.
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