Struggling to find my identity

Struggling to find my identity has been something that has really been hard for me.

Mark and I were married for almost 19 years. In those 19 years, Mark always needed me. There were times his health was better than others but there was always a need. There was always the next surgery, the next hospitalization or appointment. He always needed me by his side in case he was sick or fell. I knew that I would always be needed. It was exhausting. It was harder than anyone ever knew.

But I was needed. I had a purpose.

After he passed, I struggled with learning to find “me”. For years, I was a caregiver. Now, it was just me and Hannah. People would ask what I liked to do and I couldn’t give them an answer. For years, I didn’t do anything for me. It was eye opening that I couldn’t even answer a simple question like “What do you like to do?”

I started pouring myself into writing my book. I figured that was my new purpose. I knew it was time to tell our story. That kept me very busy. While it was stressful and a lot of work, I had a purpose again.

Then my book was complete. My initial book signings were done.

Now what?

I often sit and wonder what I’m supposed to do. What is my purpose? What is my identity? I remember Mark would often tell me that he had no idea what he was doing here as he felt he was just taking up space. I would always tell him he had a purpose. I didn’t understand why he felt that way. After all, weren’t we enough for a “purpose”? I wish with all my heart I could go back in time, give him a hug and just tell him I love him, I understand and I’m here for him. That’s really all he wanted to hear, not the obvious.

I’m beyond grateful for Hannah. I know I have a purpose in being her mom. I’m not the best mom but I am the mom God has chosen me to be for Hannah. For that I’m blessed beyond anything I could imagine.

But beyond being a mom, who am I? What am I supposed to do? Where do I go from here? My goal was to write a book. I’ve done that. Many people have told me to start another book. I know that’s always an option which is why I still write. But I no longer have that strong desire to really push myself to do that at this time. Writing a book is hard work, expensive and takes a lot out of a person. I need the mental, physical and financial break for a bit. Those who have authored a book know what I’m talking about.

It doesn’t help that we are in February in Wisconsin and as I’m writing this, it is 0 degrees outside. January and February in Wisconsin are the most depressing months you can ever imagine. My “healing” trip with friends was cancelled so that doesn’t help. We are also coming up on March which is Mark’s birthday and his kidney transplant anniversary month. So I’m already feeling down and defeated, dreading that month coming up. Add grief and questioning yourself to all of that and sometimes it’s just too much.

So what’s next? I have no idea. I wish I knew. I hate feeling like “nothing”. Like I just don’t know what lies ahead with no clear goals.

I’m truly beginning to understand just what Mark felt like. I know he knows now exactly why he was here when he just wasn’t sure why. I also know I will understand one day. But for now, it’s just really hard to truly get it.